I find you difficult to bear. You are the huge forest of trees that I cannot pass through on my destination to feelings like joy and freedom.
I want to first get this out of the way. I know you can be good for me, but I need to tell you how it feels when you appear. I feel discomfort. I feel the chills all over my body. I start to sweat, get dry mouth and so shook that I freeze. I feel you coming when I am resistant and uncertain. I feel you when I am faced with a memory of a traumatic experience. I lose my sense of self and purpose. I just don’t know how to take the next step.
I know I need you in certain moments of my life. You show me when I should be alarmed. I know you are there when I am near someone or something that I should not be. Thanks for that. I may not like the way you come up or how it makes me feel, but I know you can be beneficial. Even writing that makes me uneasy. I feel so much sadness, anger and pain that it is heartbreaking to see you as something good. When you are around and fill my mind, you have the ability to shake me so hard. I feel shattered.
When I step back from these feelings, I see who I am, what I am and recognize the power I hold over you. I see myself again. I can see past the forest of fear, I see the path to freedom. In freedom, I see possibilities, joy and wholeness ever-present. That is my destination and you are part of my journey. I also know that even when I reach freedom, I won’t be there long. I am fine with that because I know I have to change to grow. I think it is important to acknowledge that the more I see you, recognize the ways you show up, I can see you clearer. I can see how helpful you are.
It took me a while to write this letter to you. You visited me many times throughout this process. Thank you for being around. It gives me space to discover a little more about myself. Sometimes I learn a new skill or get to see myself in a different way. Throughout this arduous journey, I discover a part of myself I thought never existed.